Threats, hyperbole and Hunter S Thompson

I recently sent a drunken e-mail to Alan Corkish, in his capacity as a founder of Erbacce Press: 

"Subject: I typed it carefully to avoid errors
Message: I don't get it - "innocent and quirky little girls and passionate but premature little boys - these are the lot being published" - (Craig Guthrie, The Mushroom Papers)
"Not a Book, a Penny or a Promise." I have written more and better, and still I have nothing in print, a handful of people reading my stuff, and a big fucking Chef's knife in my hand every day. http://guthrielinks.blogspot.co.uk/ "

I had forgotten about it as soon as I sent it and therefore, was surprised to receive this reply, the next day: 

"What is it you are trying to say?..."

I replied immediately, thus:

"I apologise Alan, I am working long and arduous hours at the moment and suddenly became very frustrated and drunk the other evening. Occasionally my attempts at hyperbole are, at best, misplaced and ill-thought-out.

Again, I apologise profusely.

 Best regards, Craig."

As soon as I read the return e-mail, I was worried. But as soon as I'd sent my reply, I was even more worried - "a big fucking Chef's knife in my hand everyday" - could this be taken as a threat - would the uniforms be knocking on my door soon enough... ...separating me from my real life?

Should I prepare for it?

Threats?

No.

Facts.

Facts.

I do have a big knife in my hand 6 days out of seven and I might well be tired and irritable...

but I am still passive me...

...still trying to state some obscure facts for reasons which aren't quite clear to myself.

Come and see me face to face I think -  because it comes off better - you know - face to face - at the back door of a busy kitchen.

I think of Hunter S Thompson's only really good advice - "Never apologize, Never explain" and the differences between his work and mine.

Although Thompson too, used a ruthless style to illustrate the absurdity of life, frustration, astonishment and so on - and hyperbole to accentuate his own obscure truths - he was primarily a journalist. He used the real names of real people.

He wrote what he was compelled to write - about who he wanted to write about.

And then I thought of my clan motto not so far removed from the American: "Sto Pro Veritatae - I stand for truth" - might or shite, I'm still not sure.

Maybe I should start using real names.

Of real people.

And tell it how it really is - until I'm sued or shot, or stabbed, or something equally as bad...

Excerpt from an Interview and a new job at The Boathouse

An excerpt from my interview with Alan Corkish for the Erbacce journal and the first of the poems they published:

As predicted in the interview, I am now "back at work," not sure, between cooking and poetry, which one is harder.

There is a certain unhealthy kind of gratitude which the working classes are made to feel, which we have to be careful of, simply for the honour of being employed - "Thank you, Sir, for giving me money in return for performing certain tasks and allowing me to be properly involved in the current fiscal tapering."
Equally there is a debt of shame and guilt which we feel if we employ ourselves in the business of Art - far from the rivets of the shipyard and looms of the factory.
Yet I am grateful to be fiscally employed.
For the reasons that, my children can dine on fried chicken twice a week and the fact that my crippling shame and guilt might be stifled both by hard labour in the kitchen and a growing awareness, by merit of the social contact that work requires, that pretty much everyone else, is crazier than I am.

when crustaceans are hungry

when crustaceans are hungry

they eat themsels

fae the inside oot
right up tae thir shells

uh uh uh

an when am eh gettin ma money

eh dinnae like to be rude

sjist ehve been workin

sae hard fir sae lang

uh uh uh

ehm haein problems
piyin these bills

three bairns in tow

its no easy
when yer caught in the trap

stuck in the pigpen

wadin through crap

uh uh uh

eh ken you weeains

admired meh doagfuck

eh ken you ken

ehve nae rogue luck

but the thing is

you aa seem tae be able

tae piy yer bills

eh ken yir hauns are tied

but ehm strugglin here

strugglin

uh uh the boy doon the road

he hung hesel

when blockies went doon the tubes

christ whit a terrible shame

eh wish eh could o spoke tae him

tellt him no tae

grabbed him beh the shidders

Shook oot the gloom

fed him brakefast

gied him a room

he wiz young

hid nae dependants

ehm aulder

an never hid a joab

in the first place

an ehm startin tae worry

uh uh well eh say ehm startin

It Startit a lang time ago

when thir wiz this bird

shwiz lanky an ginger

wwir baith blind drunk

an when wnecked in the flat

the taste an smell

o tomato soup

o it wiz unholy

eh grinned an bore it

that affy smell

deargoad

coz wi baith enjoyed oorsels

sae well

fair well

wbaith enjoyed wersels sae much

wbaith decided that

th th that 

wid niver get in touch

thats when meh brain

evicted aw they crabs

till aw they bills

came again thiday

now whaurs meh money

that wiz up fir grabs

when crustaceans are hungry

they devoor themsels

is that no ringin any bells
what do ye think

meh brens like now honey

efter aw they bills

an still nae money

meh joab wiz done

tellin ye aboot the fella
the auld broon pipe
an the can o stella
an that ginger lassie

smellin o heinz

but still fair sassie

now gie me whit ehm owed

an whit ehve bin due

if no tae finish

at least tae continue
wbaith enjoyed wersels
 sae much
sae well
a watergaw appeared in hell

The Prospect of Two Letters and a Certain String in My Pocket

"Signed copies available"
"Signed copies available"
I can only laugh.
These egos beat me in the poetry game by getting published first, selling a few copies and winning competitions - innocent and quirky little girls and passionate but premature little boys - perhaps making a few bob before I appear.
They have a book, I have my kitchen application.
Why?
Is it because their work is richer, deeper, more profound?
Because they have spent more time on it, endlessly redraughting it until something worthwhile appears?
Better educated, better people, better artists?
Because the issues they raise are more pertinent to modern existence?
Certainly not, "Signed copies available"
But then I don't know why, certainly I don't.
Is it because certain things are "safe" perhaps "risk-free" and...
...oh, certainly sign a copy for me so that I, a stranger, can look appropriately grateful up to what might be the next big thing. But after you have scrawled your name with abundant ego but little thought, prepare to meet this stranger in the flesh, suddenly, and with a great noise breaking any serenity - from around any dark corner while walking at night, or bursting from any wheelie bin you might be innocently passing in the morning.
signed copies available