Submission to Erbacce

Dear Erbacce,

          I would like to respectfully submit to you my chapbook proposal.
          Firstly, I would like to say that I am fully aware that you are in no way associated with the "vanity press" and would not be submitting to you otherwise, as my disdain for "them" manifests itself in sudden and unpredictable violent behaviour which is deemed unacceptable by polite society.
           Secondly, that if I happen to be flouting the "submission guidelines", that it is due to my "learning difficulties" and the several "psychiatric conditions" which I suffer from. Regarding these, I strongly believe that if you refuse to consider my work on "submission guidelines" alone, that you are, in fact, discriminating against my specific medical conditions, and I should promptly seek legal advice on this matter.
          My submission is this:
                      A chapbook of at least double the length of what you usually publish - or at least, a chapbook as long as you are willing to publish. You have to understand that I am a desperate Artist with three children and no money. Therefore, the chapbook should be titled, "A Desperate Artist with Three Children and No Money." Though, I am flexible on this.
          As I do not expect you to sift through my work, brilliant though it is, I provide this link to one of my short pieces, confident that you will be able to see enough quality in it to commence at least, some form of correspondence: http://hithimagainjackhescrazy2.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/tartan-scarf.html .
          Yesterday, I received £400 in cash sterling from my dying mother, accompanied by the words, "this is between you and me, don't spend it on drugs."
          By my reckoning, with this money, I would be able to hire a reasonable hall for around £120. I could easily create a compelling theatrical reading of my work over 90 minutes with tea and coffee included, and if I give free entry to 200 people, of which, at least 100 are willing to buy my chapbook at £5 a pop - then we shall more than break even.
          I have dreamt that my accountant has informed me, in spreadsheet form, that which I cannot understand:
      Hall - £120
      Donation to Erbacce - £200
      Outgoings - £320
      Takings - £500
      Net Profit - £180

          If I can make this net profit from this "chapbook evening", then I suggest that there should be 3 obvious benefits:
           1 - I will donate every penny of the profit to a registered charity of my choice.
           2 - It shall have the effect on me, that my work is, indeed, worthwhile, and therefore, I should not feel so suicidal all the time.
           3 - Erbacce Press can re-iterate what I believe to be its mission: 
      - that it perceives beauty and fluidity where others may perceive ugliness and the incongruity of "Literary Spacicity"
      - that it promotes individuality rather than stale imitation
      - that it gives subversive literary Art which has no way of finding an audience, the chance to find an audience.
          Lastly, on a site of mine, primarily concerned with the frustration of the unpublished writer, I mention "Erbacce Press" and some submissions I may have made:  http://thelifeofwrite.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/frustration.html  
                     - if you would like Erbacce's name removed from the site, I shall gladly comply with your wishes with good grace but little admiration. If, however, you should view these mentions as some sort of badge of honour, then I shall gladly continue to write about our one-way "relationship", its up-side and its pitfalls.
                     Yours sincerely,
                                                  Craig Guthrie.